


After All

by hellotweetygirl



Category: SHINee
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Companionship, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Growing Up Together, M/M, fluffity-do-dah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-02-19
Packaged: 2018-09-25 11:58:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9819428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellotweetygirl/pseuds/hellotweetygirl
Summary: It’s a cycle- Jonghyun’s doubts and fears, Jinki’s soft, calm reassurance, and Jonghyun finally being able to let go. Beneath the surface of the issue though lies a truth that Jonghyun finally understands.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I’ve wanted to tell this story ever since I heard Jonghyun talking about his family and his past on Monthly Live Connection. The story is based around “I’m With You” and “An Encore”. Please enjoy.

> Baby don’t cry, I’m beside you, Can you hear my voice?
> 
> So you can try, wipe your tears away, you’re not alone anymore,
> 
> Now close your eyes and believe in yourself, Listen to your heart,
> 
> ‘Cause I love you so…

~

**You’re a Lost Child~~~I Keep Looking for You**

The first time Jonghyun cries isn’t on camera. The world sees what they want to see through the rose colored lenses and the all too bright lights the documentary team wields but the sobs they capture are merely the overflow of the previous night’s storm.

To reverse the minute and hour hands and wind them backwards to the wee hours of the night before would show you the real first time Jonghyun cries. He has been so brave and so determined throughout these many long months of training together with this team of his. The stakes for him are high, too high for a child of eighteen but he can’t afford to lose- not with the future and wellbeing of his sister and mother at stake- so he’s gone all in and is playing for all he has the potential to be in the future. Tonight though, even with how exhausted his body tells him he is, the hours tick by unrelentingly and the clock taunts him with the countdown to the time when they walk onto that first stage and their fate is determined.

He doesn’t intend to cry, he really doesn’t.

Laying there in his narrow bunk with naught but a thin blanket covering him on this warm spring night he only wants to make everything perfect so nothing is lost, nothing is forgotten, but he seems instead to have lost control of his own body as his mind plays on endless loop of dance steps, high notes, and what if’s. The tension builds in his mind and coalesces behind his eyes and he cannot find it in him to bargain his emotions into a tactical retreat. Turning his body to the wall and his mouth firmly into the pillow he chokes out a sob he cannot hold any longer. He balls in on himself and draws the blanket tightly up around him. The others won’t hear him, can’t hear him if he stays like this. If he just stays quiet enough he will be safe, the storm of his emotions will blow over and the secrets of the darkness will stay with him alone.

He nearly jumps out of his skin when a firm hand grips his shoulder. His heart races a thousand miles in only seconds and he cannot stop the strangled cry of surprise as he turns to see who has disturbed him. It’s only Onew…

Onew.

Jinki.

Jinki motions for silence and then motions for Jonghyun to follow him. Jonghyun is frightened, unsure, but he follows anyway, wherever Jinki is leading is good, is safe.

They meet in the living room, the soft pat of their feet echoing terribly in this nearly empty dorm of theirs. Even after they have lived here for months now there is still nothing homey and personal about these walls to dampen the sounds of living, breathing humans in the space. Jonghyun tries to wipe the tracks of traces of his tears away with the long sleeve of his pajamas, bunching the cuff into his fist and swiping furiously. If the past has taught him anything it’s that it’s not good to let people see you cry. Jinki guides him onto the couch and crouches before him balancing on the balls of his feet and taking firm hold of Jonghyun’s hands.

“Jonghyun, why are you crying? Did something happen? Are you hurt?” Jinki asks kindly, if not a little tiredly.

Jonghyun can’t manage to answer him past the thickness in his voice and the tears he’s just managing to hold at bay now that Jinki has found him out.

“Is it something about tomorrow?” the other tries again, tilting his head to look up into the tiny boy’s wide eyes that he’s firmly affixed to the tops of his knees.

Jonghyun lets out the shuddering, hiccupping, gasping breath of the weepy and knows he’s given himself away to this kind boy who has been placed as leader over him.

“Hyung,” he tries, forcing out the word around tears that are flowing freely again, “Hyung, don’t worry about anything. I’m fine. Just go, you- you need to sleep. I’ll just stay out here so- so I don’t wake a-anyone else up.”

The elder flat out ignores the brave face that has been plastered into the cracks of Jonghyun’s heart.

Instead he offers comfort.

In one smooth movement, Jinki shifts to come sit beside him on the couch and leans up next to him, their shoulders touching. “I’m staying right here until you don’t have any more tears. Don’t worry Jonghyunnie,” he says earnestly, as he awkwardly

pats his hand, “we’re going to shine like stars tomorrow!” 

It’s the first time someone outside of his family has used a pet name for him, the warm feeling that spreads over him is unfamiliar and makes his head light enough to float right off his shoulders. Do people really behave this way? Do people really care? Jinki’s soft tones and assuring words sink deep into his bones, at last his mind begins to unwind the tight control it has been holding over him. He lays his head on Jinki’s shoulder and Jinki clasps his hand calmly.

Somehow, he thinks everything must be okay if Jinki says it’s so.

~

**Try to Listen to Your Heart~~~Echoes of Silence**

Jonghyun feels as if he’s searching for something- but he doesn’t know what name to put to it. It floats out there just somewhere beyond the reach of his mind, beyond the grasp and scratch of his pen.

He’s been trapping his thoughts and emotions into words for a while now, writing them down in simple but heartfelt lines that translate into verses of songs and sheets and sheets of paper. It’s those very sheets and notebooks full of his words that have gotten him to where he is right now- on the verge of actually selling one of his songs to the Company- and it’s that thought that has frightened the words away from his pen.

He flings his pen towards the doorway of his room in frustration and shoves the notebook to the floor. Shifting he flops himself onto his back and stretches, pointing his toes and rolling his neck, allowing his eyes to slip shut at the pop and crack the action produces. Combing his fingers through his hair he pulls at the strands as if he could extract the ideas and words from his mind that way. On days like today he wonders how far from possible it would actually be…

“Did you lose something?” the amused voice asks even as he drops the discarded pen onto the littering offenders face.

Jonghyun makes a whining noise of displeasure as the pen hits its target bouncing off onto the bed but he doesn’t need to open his eyes to know who the voice belongs to. Nor does he need to open them to identify the weight that dips down his mattress and aligns against his side in a well-worn pattern. He savors the radiating warmth for a minute in silence, liking having someone near him and not quite wanting to bring the comfortable feeling that floats up around his heart to a halt. 

“The song is due next week and I have nothing. Nothing. There’s this feeling of something that I should be writing but every time I try and grab it the idea vanishes and my mind is like a big empty room that shouts back at me every time I attempt to whisper.”

Jinki rolls to his side to face him, propping his head on his palm and begins to pick at the graphic design on Jonghyun’s tee. It flakes away easily showing its age, and for how thin the material is Jinki might as well be blatantly caressing his stomach for all the covering it provides his body. He doesn’t mind- the thought or the action- after all Jinki’s hands are soft. The little sensations of his fingers almost tickle and it lightens his mood slightly from despondent to depressed.

“Well then, maybe you’re doing it wrong” Jinki offers, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

At this Jonghyun does open his eyes and tosses his leader a look of scorn.

“There shouldn’t be a right and wrong way of songwriting Hyung, it should just be. The words should come when I want them to and not be stubborn!” he gestures emphatically illustrating his words but sighs in defeat at the end of them. Silence hangs between them as they both consider his earnest words. He can feel Jinki’s eyes on him, and his hand leaving warm impressions on his belly as it moves from spot to spot. At length he decides to voice his deepest concern to the only one whom he figures might be able to help him- Jinki is the leader after all. 

“I’m gonna fail at this hyung, my song is supposed to be something to give people hope and show love and how can I ever show that properly in a song if I’ve never experienced that myself? I’m really not that good of a writer. How am I supposed to know how other people feel?! There’s so much for me to practice and develop before I’m good enough to give a song to anybody much less the Company!”

“Shhhhhhh!”

“But Hyung! I need to figure this out! It isn’t going to write itself!” Jonghyung softly whines, tears of frustration beginning to form in his eyes and tighten the back of his throat, strain peeking through in the cracks of his voice and composure.

Jinki only shushes him again.

Jonghyun is surprised when Jinki half crawls on top of his small frame, only to gently lay his head down on top of the steady thrum-thrump in Jonghyun’s chest. He lets out a soft grunt as the weight settles on him and Jinki winds an arm around his middle trapping him comfortably.

“Jonghyunnie,” he sighed, “you are doing it wrong because you are only using your mind to try and make words. That’s not how songs are written- not the best ones anyway. The song has to come from your heart; your heart will give you the words.”

Jinki taps at Jonghyun’s heart with a slow beat of his finger reminding him of just where it is- and it all comes flooding to him now how strongly this funny muscle beats when Jinki fills up his world with lovely words and comforts him.

Understanding and comfort, he thinks, is all he’ll ever need- if it’s coming from Jinki. So when emotion overwhelms him, when the confusion in his mind gets the better of him, the tears’ flowing out of him despite his best efforts. He will turn to Jinki, thoughtful, empathetic Jinki who will soothe his mind and heart. He will find his true self reflected there.

Jonghyun lets out a long sigh and relaxes into Jinki’s weight. “Maybe you’re right…” he mumbles hesitantly.

Jonghyun pulls Jinki down close to him. Sighing deeply nestles his nose in the crook of the others neck. The tears may still trickle out of him in small streams but that can’t be so bad with Jinki here to brush the calloused pad of his thumb gently across his cheek and wipe the tears away.

~

**Now Close Your Eyes and Believe in Yourself~~~Awkward Wanderings**

One step at a time. That’s what he tells himself he has to remember- just one at a time, one after the other. It’s harder than it sounds- even if he has been performing and working up to this for the last ten years of his life.

Solo.

It’s a word that simultaneously puts fire in his blood and ice in his limbs. The confusion of the two feelings has left him out of breath and panting many times in this whole process- on the verge of teetering over into blank un-control.

Today he has been biting back at the creeping, clawing, edges of the anxiety more than once. He misses the step again as he rehearses and its looming proximity frightens him. In these wee hours, in this dimly lit practice room, he doesn’t want to know what will happen to him if the waves of fire and ice- and the emotions he knows are tied to them- wash over him at once. How far could it break him?

Grinding the base of his palms into his eyes he wills his mind to clear and his focus to return. Beginning again slowly, he mentally retraces the movements and follows each through with his body. The song, his song, rings in his ears and over and over again repeats. He could no more forget how to breathe as to forget each note and beat of rhythm- so why didn’t his body find the motions as fluid as the rise and fall of the notes?

Then it happens. One split second he is fine- and the next he has tripped over his feet and landed with a thud on his side on the hardwood- nothing is fine anymore.

As the tears break forth unwelcome and strong he finds himself floating in that blackness he tried so hard to avoid. The feeling of it grips him in all the wrong places, seizing his body, choking the life from his lungs and the calm from his mind, the panic settling deep.

He doesn’t know how long he lays there crying, shaking, sucking in what air he can manage, mind in the grip of panic he can’t stop. As he lays there, his pathetic self is reflected in the large mirrors that cover the entirety of the one wall and it magnifies his despair.

It could have only been a few minutes or it could have been much longer- he only knows now that unexpectedly he is not alone anymore.

In soft tones Jinki’s voice floats through to him- Jonghyun grabs it like a lifeline.

His free hand inches out just a little towards Jinki and makes clear that he welcomes his presence, his touch. Jinki takes the intrepid hand in his own and rubs small soothing circles into the back of it. The scratch of the time worn callous and the repetitive motion is something for him to focus on and he puts all his energy into it.

Gently, Jinki touches his chin and steers it to meet his own gaze. “Jjongie, what brought all this on? Are you okay? Can you tell me?”

Jonghyun wants to answer him but his throat is still closed up and his breaths unstable at best. His body trembles in the grip of this horrible thing he couldn’t get control over. He can’t help it when the tears well up afresh and continue to spill over. He feels so stupid for letting things get this far and not being able to keep a handle on his anxiety. He wants to communicate so much to Jinki but the words won’t come.

“Jjongie, I want you to follow me ok? I want you to count and breathe ok? I’m going to sing. I want you to count the beats and breathe to them ok? Only focus on me baby. We’ll get through this ok?” he speaks firmly, tenderly stroking Jonghyun’s cheek. Jonghyun nods mutely to Jinki’s instruction, he can follow- he will follow.

Jinki’s smooth tones begin softly and sing him lullabies. His stocky fingers wrapped insistently around Jonghyun’s wrist. Steadily they mark the beat into his skin.

As he lays on the cold hardwood floor, the cold sweat clinging to his body, the warmth and richness of the melodies can’t escape sinking deep into his bones. He breathes in time with the tapping on his pulse point. His breaths are ragged at first, missing every other beat and sometimes skipping entire measures but bit by bit they slow and became steady, matching every note on que.

Finally his mind begins to release its unauthorized use of his body and his limbs fall slack.

Tiredly he rolls to his back and stares at the regimented squares on the ceiling. 

“You wanna try sitting up?”

He takes a few more slow deep breaths before answering with a short nod. Jinki’s hand on his shifts its grip and tugs him to a sitting position.

They sit, hips and knees opposing each other but firmly pressed together.

Jinki reaches forward and brushes the hair from his eyes. Jonghyun looks down, not sure if he’s ready to look his hyung in the eye yet. He is sure the unbearable weight of disappointment will be reflected there- and he never wants to disappoint Jinki, not like he’s disappointed other people. Jinki doesn’t give him much choice in the matter though his fingers trace down along his cheek and finally tip Jonghyun’s chin up gently.

When Jonghyun looks up all he sees is concern.

If it’s possible, that breaks him almost more.

Quickly he pulls away from Jinki’s fingers before he actually gives in to the desire that’s come over him to nuzzle the other boy’s hand.

“It’s been a long time since your anxiety attacks were that bad,” Jinki states matter of factually. “Are you going to tell me why I’m walking in here now to cheer you on and instead find you on the floor in this condition?”

Jonghyun clears his voice past the tears that want to claim him again and bravely looks Jinki in the eye. “I’ve just been in here a lot working and preparing. I’m really not too good at this solo dance thing,” he chuckles. Jinki raises an eyebrow. “I need this to be good- and to be the best really- or they may never give me another chance. Right now I’m constantly thinking about all the ways this can go wrong and it’s just been getting to me a little. It’s…it’s hard without you hyung…” he breaks off in a whisper.

“Show me,” Jinki demands. He ambles to his feet and holds a hand out to Jonghyun who looks at the elder with a bit of disbelief. Jinki is firm in whatever his intentions are though so Jonghyun takes the offered hand and finds himself launched off the hardwood and into Jinki.

Jinki holds his ground.

“Teach me the choreography you’re working on. I bet you have it better than you think”

They are chest to chest and breath to breath. Jonghyun swallows thickly and thinks about panicking.

As he turns around and faces the mirror straight on his hands tremble but his fingers snap and his boot taps out the beat in his head and he moves. Jinki’s eyes follow his every move in the reflection and he follows Jonghyun’s lead and moves in sync with his body. It’s mesmerizing watching Jinki’s body shadow his own.

It’s simple enough really, a shoulder roll here, a step there, and wave after wave that has his body mimicking the smooth turbulence of the ocean. Jonghyun feels the sweat prickle his skin as he senses the closeness of their bodies, the ghosting of Jinki’s hot breath on the back of his neck. He thinks about what happens when waves crash together.

He counts the steps in his head and to his surprise he’s at the end of the routine before he knows it- without a single misstep. His eyes close in a moment of his own private victory.

Jinki’s hands slip around his waist almost spanning the width of it as tiny as it is. “Now hold that. Don’t move.” Jinki commands breathing down his ear. Jonghyun doesn’t dare move or flutter an eyelash and break this still spell hovering between them. “Do you know what you did? Did you see that? That- was perfect- and you know it. Jjong-ah you just have to do one thing- when you’re up there on that dark stage with all the lights on you- remember right now and hold on to it. Believe in yourself. You have everything you need up here,” Jinki’s arms wrap more fully around him and a gentle finger comes up to tap at his forehead. “But you just need to remember this,” he taps the wild thumping in Jonghyun’s chest, “is what will make you shine. Got it?”

Jonghyun opens his eyes to gaze at their reflections. Wrapping his own hands around Jinki’s he nods in agreement. He wonders if Jinki could convince him to breathe under water if he had the notion. He wonders if he would try.

“Okay.”

~

**Shine on You~~~My Last Breath**

He’s crying again and this time there’s no rose coloring about it. When Jonghyun cries on camera it’s just as messy an affair as when he is hiding under the covers and shutting out the world.

Except that everyone sees the truth not just Jinki.

He knows every eye is on him as he weeps openly, the truth of his emotions a very private affair that he holds close to him. The moment he is in is too significant. Every nerve is firing in quick succession. The dream he craved for himself so long ago is finally here. The moment they step onto that stage so large he doesn’t know how they will fill it he will have well and truly secured his career, secured the future for him and those who depended on him. Recognition, affirmation, security- something allowing him to give proof to anyone who would question whether his life choices, his career choices, were valid and worthy of pursuing. It’s not like he really needed proof, but it is nice having it all the same. Proof gave him something to pull out and look at, to turn over in his palm and cherish, to admire, and to affix his value to. He cannot even fathom the prospect of this personal milestone and the marker of success it means for him so his heart continues to pour onto the stage floor.

He clings to Jinki as he always does, as he’s always allowed to do, and as he never questions. His fingers have trapped Jinki’s between themselves and he’s sure he will never be ready to let go. When Jinki whispers sweet words in the shell of his ear and his warm breath trickles down his neck Jonghyun’s brain fires conflicting responses and he both shudders and relaxes in the same moment.

The minutes tick by. As he gulps in air and slows his breathing he begins to process the others laughter at his expense, the continuous rumble of the fans murmur filling the arena, Jinki’s warm hand resting in the small of his back, and just how tightly he his holding Jinki’s hand. Eventually he rights himself and finds Jinki looking right at him monitoring, gauging, assessing. He sees the concern in Jinki’s face and for the first time he recognizes something else too.

The realization locks his mind up and he can focus only on the sunshine smiled boy in front of him. He takes a breath of that sunshine and feels so full that he may just hold this feeling in forever.

In his mind time slows to a crawl.

Time picks back up in double speed the minute he walks off the stage and is pushed into the cramped staging room. He cannot find Jinki quickly enough and the sunshine in his lungs is burning him through.

In the after concert chaos he had Jinki beside him one minute and the next there were a sea of production crew, cordi noonas, and dancer hyungs between him and the boy that has been carried along to the opposite side of the room.

He must get to Jinki.

He must tell Jinki.

Jinki is getting his sweat wiped and his cosmetics reapplied for the post-concert interviews when Jonghyun finds him. He snatches his wrist in true hallyu drama form and hauls him up from the chair. A smile and a quick apology to the noona isn’t enough to placate her but Jonghyun tunes her out as he steams ahead. Jonghyun plows through the gaggle of people, a tiny conductor to a stout cargo.

Jinki stays right on track with him out the door and down several hallways till they reach a vacant one with a small out of sight alcove. No one must see them, no one must see this. In a short motion he maneuvers Jinki up against the wall. Suddenly gripped by fear and uncertainty he steps back from him and wonders at himself for what he’s about to do. Jinki is looking at him bemusedly but kindly and it gives him boldness to his suddenly flagging confidence.

Before Jinki can step towards him Jonghyun cuts him off.

“How long have you loved me?”

Jinki freezes and gapes at him a second before warming again, the smile returning to his face. Jonghyun watches him lean back against the brick propping one foot up behind him and casually crossing his arms before answering with a tiny shrug.

“Forever.”

“And how long are you going to love me?” he queries defiantly, feeling the emotions bubble again deep inside him.

“Forever.”

Jonghyun’s eyes well and he exhales sunshine.

The measure of love behind that one word is weighty and it sinks deep into Jonghyun filling him to overflowing. There are hot tears pushing for release behind his eyes. He looks away not knowing what to do with himself or where to look. Jinki’s chuckle is soft and telling and reveals he knows Jonghyun’s mind. Jonghyun can’t restrain himself and doesn’t want to either as he launches himself into Jinki’s arms. The tears flow ugly and unrestrained once more.

Jinki laughs at him.

With one arm tightly around his waist and one stroking his hair and rubbing his shoulders, Jonghyun feels immensely safe and valued clinging from Jinki’s neck even if Jinki is laughing at him as he shushes and comforts him. They are an odd couple like this and anyone passing would think them half crazy but in their own little world the clash of emotions make perfect sense.

Jonghyun’s world has just ended.

Jonghyun’s world has just begun.

“And when were you going to tell me?” Jonghyun punches at Jinki’s shoulder halfheartedly, shuddering and gasping between breaths of happiness and heartache.

“I dunno ‘Mr. Big-shot Romantic Idol Composer’ I didn’t think it would take you this long to figure it out to be honest,” Jinki mumbles.

Jonghyun can’t help the bark of laughter that escapes him then.

He settles into Jinki’s embrace and sighs as their eyes connect.

“Jinki?” he questions receiving a soft hum in return. “How is it that one person can change another so completely and yet not at all? All this time I’ve been pushing and working and searching for things and all this time it was with you. I came to you as a scrawny kid with so much anxiety and self-doubt and somehow you never doubted me. You always championed me. I was always good enough in your eyes. You always made me feel safe when that was really hard to believe. You let me become who I always was. You don’t know what that’s meant to me. If it weren’t for you-” his voice cracks again but he is securely tethered in Jinki’s arms and he isn’t going to float away in a sea of tears this time.

Jinki’s thumb runs a path across the wetness under his eyes and skims it away. “Jonghyunnie, baby, some things we can’t explain. Some things we discover along the way. And some things- like us- are just are meant to be after all. You just had to learn to listen with your heart.”

Jonghyun’s tears are dry and he basks in sunshine.

If only the cameras could see him now.


End file.
